Do you know the real reason Michael Jackson didn’t perform Thriller at The World Music Awards as everyone expected? It was because the original highly sophisticated on-stage choreographic routine planned for the song contained an elaborate acrobatic stunt by an actual living mutant, a real walking-dead zombie. But because he prioritised YOUR weekly edition of inspiring events and activities to do around the capital this coming week, Free London was forced to cancel the gig and let Michael go Bad.

Yep, all-in-all it’s been a busy week for Free London. He also had to pass on giving a speech about Europe and the US healing their divisions over Iraq at the Lord Mayor’s Banquet, so they let Tony Blair do it instead. Free London was also asked to fly out to Australia to replace Marcus Trescothick in England’s high batting order for the impending Ashes thrashing but instead he stayed home to keep up his end of the 020 bargain – keep churning out the free stuff and they’ll keep reading, surely?!

And was it all worth it? Are the next few paragraphs sure to change your life? Will you immediately straddle your bicycle and get peddling around London before you’ve even finished reading the final paragraph? Isn’t that what you always do?

And because Free London has spent so much time researching the following events and then writing turgid, inflated intros, he’s left it in a list format after falling asleep at his desk (i.e. the cold damp step outside the public toilets in Ealing which provides a good vantage to steal free WiFi)

At 8.30pm on Monday (20th) in the dark caverns of Cargo you shall once again bow down to the mighty power of Hong Kong super-cop ‘Tequila’, or as we know him, Chow Yun Fat. Tiger Beer is sponsoring a big screen showing of John Woo’s seminal pre-one-way-ticket-to-Hollywood-please movie, Hard Boiled. Four Tiger beers for a tenner all night too.

Bouyed by the excitement of his parade last weekend, the Lord Mayor of the City (not Ken) will be making the power bill for the square mile escalate even further when he turns on the Xmas Lights in Leadenhall Market on Friday (17th) at 5.15pm. Followed by the Bromley Ladies Barbershop Singers and a DJ until 9pm. Rockin’.

Final Few Days of Art Alert!!! Two exhibitions are sadly coming to a close and you’ll be running around madly like you’ve lost your house keys hoping to catch a glimpse of the last few precious moments.

Hans Bellmer, inspiration to many an artist of the darker realms, ends his run at the Whitechapel gallery on Sunday (19th). Whilst those with an addiction to such sites as DontStayin.Com might want to get along to The Lock Tavern in Chalk Farm for the aptly-titled, I’m Proper Fucked, a snapshot gallery of munters at their worst (personally, Free London doesn’t see what all the fuss is about)

And if you fancy a bit of a gamble (or just want to see someone else do the gambling for you) then the Royal College of Art is displaying its annual Secret exhibition this week. Each postcard is sold for ?35 without the owner knowing the name of the artist who created it. Once they’ve all been flogged the names are exposed and the punters find out if they’ve backed a winner – anyone with a postcard sawn in half has a Damien Hirst; anyone with a slightly unkempt postcard owns a Tracey Emin; anyone with a postcard covered in crap owns a Free London.