What’s that coming over the hill, is it a monster, is it a monsterrrrrr? No no, be still my children, tis not a monster, ogre or even hideous roaming Michael Flatley dance extravaganza. What it is, though, is the biggest, baddest, free-est muthafucka that London has to offer. Yep, it’s carnie time! And not in a gypo/pikey kind of way either. The glorious, yet rare, occasion of the British Bank Holiday looms before us and there firmly holding its hands is the Notting Hill Carnival.

There is no real need to tell you where it is or what to expect when you get there, because you’re certain to get lost. And found. Simply make a token effort to head towards the minimalist house/electro breakbeat/funkadelic of Sancho Panza at the junction of Middle Row and Conland Street, then just enjoy the experience of finding your way home again. It’ll be more chocca than a Cadbury’s Fruit & Nut bar and will most definitely contain a lot more nuts.

For those claustrophobics amongst you, who despair the thought of the whiff of spliff, piss and jerk chicken circulating from a million other Londoners, a weekend spent at the beach is probably what you need instead. A floating beach no less. The Funquay Beach Weekend, aside from having a delightful pun-filled title, is being held at the West India Quay on the 26th and 27th. As well as the pontoon home of 30 tonnes of sand, there will also be street performers, live music, funfair rides and the occasional paid-for attraction that should be shunned at all costs (yuck!).

If you’re a fan of Leicestershire raggamuffins, Kasabian, and their twisted Mancunian-copycat music, then pop down to HMV Oxford Circus on the morning of Wednesday 30th and get yourself an exclusive one-of-450-kind wristband, absolutely free. Not only will this Kasabian fashion accessory impress all your mates, it will also get you back into the store at 6pm that evening to see the band play live tracks from their new Empire album. Mad for it!

Serious times are upon London, we can all agree. So what better way to shake off that meloncholy shroud than a last chance viewing of the Satirical London exhibition at the Museum of London. Poking fun at London, Londoners and the art of satire, the display spans hundreds of years and even includes royalty and celebrities. Hurry though, the joke ends on September 3rd.

For a slightly more random approach to art and sound, this week (until 1st September) sees the launch of The Blank Tape Spillage Fete, with yet another fine pun-ladened name. The basic idea behind the fete was dreamt up by two genii, both called Matt. They sent out a handful of cassettes to people they knew and asked them to put whatever they wanted on each of them, as well as casing decoration. The resulting rubbish is collated and shown in Cecil Sharp House at the English Folk Dance and Song Society (NW1 7AY).

For those looking for something a little more fruity, all week Hampstead Heath is the venue for the National Dogging Finals where contestants will be vying for the title of England’s biggest perve. Entrance is free and there will be bouncy castles and a few homemade cake & jam stalls also. A real day out for the whole family.

Of course, that last bit was totally made up. 020.com just wanted to check who was still paying attention. If you’re still reading, you’re TRUE Londoner. If you’re not – tourist! Pah!