As I hopped out of the bath this morning and wrapped the towel around me, a massive dirty great big black spider fell out of it!

All ‘planet saving’ good intentions were scrapped as I sprayed the little (big!) monster into the next web-spinning life. I hate spiders – I have since the day my little sister ate a gigantic Huntsman spider alive. Bloody Australia!! They make them huge here… none of the pitiful minuscule lanky gems you see in England. These ones could take on a Shetland pony and come out on top.


I’ve since been seeing spiders around every corner. You know that feeling… the skin crawling, heart thumping fear of finding its little offspring (or worse, its revenge driven husband!) around every corner.

I’ve done my research – it was a Black House spider. Its name would suggest that on the streets of Spider-ville, it’s the coolest of cool. However, when I’m semi naked and covered in bubbles, no insect is welcome!

Thank goodness my weekend was critter-less. I made the 16 hour round trip to see my friends get hitched. The wedding was gorgeous, the bride a princess and the champas way too free-flowing for me to resist. Despite vows of pacing myself, the heat and a lack of food = whoa!! Memories of dirty dancing to Christina Aguilera are still vivid. I’m still reeling after a young dancing partner whipped me about the dance floor whilst asking “do I have the moves baby?”. What on earth has happened to the eight year old males of the world?

A fabulous day out – I’ll sue the champagne suppliers tomorrow.

It all makes me wonder… why do people go to so much effort with their wedding? Why, in Australia of all places do we still feel the need to bake our butts off in tops and tails and ‘after nines’ whilst the sun smacks us about?

To be perfectly honest, I want nothing of the above. No suits, no doves released (what is with the English releasing wildlife at weddings???). Maybe I could release a few of Dad’s cows. Now that would make a day to remember.

I want a semi-casual wedding on the beach. No, scrap that – I don’t want sand up my garter. Maybe a big garden would be better – minus the bovines. I heard of someone who had their wedding outdoors and set up a selection of picnic rugs. People came, sat in the sun and generally made themselves comfy; Perfection.

All that aside, I still want an amazing dress and a wind proof hairdo. The cake can be scrapped… everyone will get a gourmet cocktail instead. The bridesmaids issue is not so simple – with two sisters and best friends in every country, it’s going to be a scratching, biting battle of claws!!

All that aside, I have no fianc? so we’ll leave THAT to another column… until then, the spider hunt resumes.