Why we secretly hate summer.

We spend most of the year desperately waiting for sunshine and long
summer days to save us from the cold, endlessly rainy, perpetually
miserable winter months. So why, when our brief summer finally arrives,
are we even worse tempered? We start to moan because it’s too clammy,
too muggy, too humid, too sticky and every other kind of hot, and
suddenly the drearier months seem more appealing.
Of course, there are upsides to summer. There really is nothing quite
like that first beer in the pub garden on Saturday, spending a few
hours on a sun-lounger in the garden, not to mention all those
20-something girls treating the streets like catwalks for the
skimpiest, tightest summer fashions known to man. But the positives can
seem few and far between – here are some of the things we hate about
1. The general irritable nature of the London public. Even on (rare)
beautiful days when the sun is shining, the masses exercise their right
to be utterly horrible to everyone around them and maintain their
bulldog-chewing-a-wasp faces throughout the day. Getting on and off the
tube is practically dangerous, with each passenger just inches away
from screaming or punching the person next to them.
2. School holidays and the subsequent release of far too many, far too
loud children under 12 whose only purpose is to wail for ice cream,
pester parents for days out and generally make everyone regret breeding
in the first place. Keep them in school! If the children I’ve
encountered are anything to go by, they could use the extra education!
3. Having to ride the tube in the sweltering heat with little
ventilation, whilst being squashed by crowds of backpack-wielding
tourists and gassed by someone with body odour that could knock out a
small animal or a very warm egg sandwich.
4. Women who attempt to squeeze into vest tops, mini skirts and hot
pants designed for much smaller figures. Acres of white-blue flesh
barely covered by lurid lycra stretched to breaking point, fat feet
crammed into neon flip-flops and enormous wobbling bingo-wing arms –
all reasons why the jumpers and opaque tights of winter start to look
so much more attractive.
5. Offices with air conditioning that doesn’t work. These offices
usually have nice big windows too – just so you can see the gorgeous
weather, from inside your sweaty corporate cage.
6. People with perfect sun kissed skin (either naturally or from
holidays to exotic locations) – while most of us struggle to tan our
lighter shade of pale skin by sweating in our back garden in the Costa
Del Dagenham, only to achieve strap marks, burnt noses and that
delightful shade of reddish-pink that screams ‘ow’ rather than ‘ooh’.
7. Shirtless men sitting in every pub garden, park and white van,
displaying vast expanses of pasty flesh, jiggling man breasts and more
body fur than the average grizzly.
8. Too many people. What is it about the slightest hint of sunshine
that suddenly sees hordes of people spilling out on to the streets,
creating crowds, queues, noise and generally, far too many people.
There are the usual crowds of tourists, only in larger groups with
bigger bags, more children, more couples, everywhere! Taking the kids
to London Aquarium or treating your girlfriend to a flight on the
London Eye becomes a hideous ordeal of queues, pushing, shoving and
more people than you ever needed invading your personal space.
9. Last minute package holidays. The brochures are so glossy, so
enticing, with their little star ratings indicating what level of bliss
you should expect during your stay, but the reality never quite
matches, does it? Somehow the gorgeous suite with an ocean view you
were promised is actually no bigger than a dog kennel with mysterious
stains on the sheets, a dripping shower and a view of the construction
work on the hotel next door which is also home to a seedy nightclub to
keep you awake until 5am each night. Combine all that with delayed
flights, screaming children, sunburn and luggage that ends up in
Antigua while you wait for it in Benidorm, and you might end up
thinking you should have stayed in Clapham!
So in January when you’re going to work in subzero temperatures,
shivering in the rain and wrapping another scarf around your
frost-bitten face, don’t be so quick to start craving the summer
months. At least when it’s cold it only takes another layer and a
cappuccino to warm you up, but when it’s hot it takes an industrial fan
and a bucket of ice to keep you from snapping at everyone in sight. Who
needs package holidays, sweaty offices and unflattering bikinis when
you can have cosy nights in, crisp cool days and elegant winter
couture. Let’s face it, winter is what Britain does best, so embrace it
and enjoy!