2004
was the year that something stirred deep in the bowels of British
society: it was the year of the Chav. Suddenly they were
everywhere, the media couldn’t get enough and now the whole world has
gone Chav-crazy. We’re told that celebrities as diverse as Little
Britain’s Vicky Pollard and Posh & Becks are classified as
Chavs. So what the hell are they?
No one seems to
agree on where the term ‘Chav’ comes from. The most popular
suggestions are that it is a derivative of ‘Chatham Native’ in
reference to the honorary birthplace of the Chav or that it stands for
‘Council Housed and Violent’. One thing is for sure, Chavs are in
a class of their own with their very own culture and distinguishing
characteristics.
Chavs are easy to spot by
their clothes stamped clearly with brand names and awash with Burberry
check, they are weighed down by gold jewellery – more is more, innit? –
protected by their trusty Staffordshire Bull Terriers and like
to hang out on council estates in beloved Croydon. The
whole essence of Chaviness is to attempt to look ‘bling’ ie. wealthy by
flashing as much gold jewellery as possible and wearing clothes
printed with designer labels in letters at least 6 inches high but in
reality looking cheap and utterly tasteless. The middle classes mock
them for this gross miscalculation but we all know that it’s the Chav’s
who are having more fun.
The invasion of the Chav has
gained pace surprisingly quickly, aptly demonstrated by the phenomenon
of the Chavarella – the Chavette done good, think Colleen Rooney (most
famous and mocked of all celebrity Chavs) posing for her very own
British Vogue shoot.
Not only that but now
previously glamorous celebrities are being tarred with a distinctly
Chavvy brush: Jennifer Lopez with her hoop earrings, fetish for
‘bling’, wall-to-wall fake tan and 3 husbands has taken the crown as
Chief Celeb Chav. Closely followed in stilettos too high to walk
in by Victoria Beckham, no doubt flashing her million-pound diamond
ring and head to toe D&G outfit with her footballer husband
following behind in his white trainers.
I recently took
a Chav test, an elaborate and gruelling questionnaire, and discovered,
to my horror, that I am technically 35% Chav. At first I was
appalled by the injustice: I don’t live in Croydon, I own no gold
jewellery whatsoever and I have never attempted to give myself a free
facelift by scraping my hair to the back of my scalp and securing with
a fetching scrunchie (a sneaky trick to remain youthful employed by all
Chavettes worth their Argos jewellery). But, after the shock wore
off, I realised that there might just be a bit of Chav in all of
us.
So the most vital question remains: are you animal, vegetable, mineral or Chav?
- Do you own anything – anything at all – that displays the infamous Burberry check?
- Would you rather have dinner with Tanya from Footballer’s Wives than Stephen Hawking?
- Do you have a tattoo of Jennifer Ellision anywhere on your body?
- Have you given up writing because your hand is weighed down by the sheer number of gold sovereign rings?
- Is Bluewater shopping centre your dream wedding venue?
- Is Jordan your ideal woman?
- Is Wayne Rooney your ideal man?
- Have you worn no other shoes than trainers since you were a toddler?
Score a point for every ‘yes’ and discover the disturbing truth below:
8/8 – Chav!
5 to 7 – careful, you’re a sovereign ring away from full-blown Chavdom
2 to 4 – it’s a slippery slope but the Chav in you is your most fun, outgoing side
1 – don’t worry, nobody’s perfect
0 – You’re a classy, sophisticated type (but almost certainly a liar)
