There is no doubting you adore your big fluffy cat. But when it scratches at your bedroom door at 4am, pining for affection in a ‘significant other after a big night out on the lash’ kind of way, you’re inclined to tell it to fuck off.

Similarly, no one would ever claim that you don’t love your children and that you wouldn’t gladly walk across hot coals if it meant a better life for them. But when your pestering ex-wife incessantly nags you for a very specific amount of maintenance just days after she’s seen the latest Prada bag, you’re inclined to tell her the same thing.

And of course it’s unquestionable that you are the life and soul of any party and that your friends always try to keep you around for as long as possible. But when you live the furthest distance and there aren’t any lovebeds being offered your way, the journey home seems party-poopingly expensive and arduously unnecessary.

There are many things in our lives we simultaneously like and dislike and London is much the same.

For some, seeing Days of Glory at the London Film Festival this week was top of their ‘to-do’ list. Unfortunately, the ‘?22 for two adults’ price tag meant they saw Hulk on ITV2 instead.

A few desperate souls were hoping to stay up all weekend, throwing mad hardcore shapes to the biggest names in trance music (no, seriously, they were). That was until they realised that this 4th Birthday edition of Wildchild at SEone was brought to them by the number ‘23’ and the letters ‘q’, ‘u’, ‘i’ and ‘d’ (spells ‘Ouch’!)

There were even a select, clandestine few who yearned to be part of the new Dirty Dancing stage experience, but thankfully kept it to themselves once they’d seen the ?24-?59 fleecing price.

This is where Free London – your thrifty, threadbare, scavenging superhero – comes in. As well as popping down to the local donut shop to purchase (nick) the extra-special jam-packed goodies this week, Free London has also gone to the trouble seperating them all into easy-to-skim (ignore) sections. None of which will cost you a penny.

So sit down, relax, and take a deep breath. This week is filled with avocado-propelled explosions, death-praising salsa and a monarch made of entirely of grain.

Tooting Bec Common kicks off the pet-frightening season with a fireworks display on Saturday (28th) at 8pm. Not to shown up by its big borough brother, Putney’s Wandsworth Park will be doing exactly the same on Wednesday evening (1st) at exactly the same time. However, for a limited number of lucky spectators, they’ll be a sample of avodogs – avocado hot dogs – on offer. The event is surprisingly sponsored by Hass Avocado!??

Such a square
Movie director Mike Leaving Las Vegas Figgis will be performing a Portrait of London in Trafalgar Square on Friday (27th) from 7pm. Stealing famous footage of the capital from other London-based directors, he’ll be mixing images with a live Lily Allen-free soundtrack.

Then on Saturday (28th) from 1-5pm, the square will play host to lots of hungry Muslims as they literally ‘break the fast’ of Ramadan (or Eid ul-fitr) at Eid in the Square. This is the first celebration of its kind in the square and will include live entertainment, various exhibitions and a street bazaar.

The writing on the wall
Closing this Sunday (29th), the Artistic Vandals exhibition shows exactly what happens when bad kids go to good schools. And actually learn a few things. Fine Art Masters with a penchant for mindless vandalism.

Allof whom would drop to their knees in adoration for the French stencil artist, Blek Le Rat, who, by chance, has blessed us with his first UK show (until November 13th) despite having mastered the art of wall-daubing long before cavemen were around. He makes world-famous Banksy say things likes, “sacrebleu”. Really.

General peculiarities
On Wednesday (1st), Cargo morbidly allows a 10-piece afro-latin-hiphop troupe, Son Veneno, to celebrate death instead of life. Having rubbed rumps with Kelis and oozed with Ozomatli in the past, this multi-racial and cross-genre crew will be performing their D?a de Los Muertos or ‘Day of the Dead’. Spooky.

At midday on Sunday (29th), right beside Shakespeare’s Mudhut on the Bankside, a huge effigy made of wheat, barley and root vegetables will be lead in procession to Borough Market, the head of which shall be guided by a wild-fruit-and-foliage bedecked ‘berry man’ carrying an apple tree. This is nothing to be alarmed by and under no circumstances should you call the BBC newsdesk with tales of genetically-modified science gone wrong. This is the harmless October Plenty – a mix of ancient seasonal customs and theatre – and the Corn Queene will be butchered later in the day so that onlookers can feast on her lovely ripe fruits. This is followed by the celebrated Execution of John Barleycorn, which, for obvious reasons, isn’t open to anyone called Barleycorn.

At the market itself the scene will be much like Prime Minister’s Question Time at the Common with conker fights, apple bobbing, dancing and, of course, cider. There’ll also be a company of actors to perform Syr John Falstaffe in Love – apparently a joyous romp of desire and intrigue (for obvious reasons, this IS open to anyone called Falstaffe).