Unless you count the unclaimed and ready-to-explode pot of Tesco’s Peach Melba yoghurt in the back of our fridge, my flatmates and I don’t really do culture. For us, most evenings are taken up by violence, sex and cans of Kronenberg, and not necessarily in that order. Just the other night, though, we challenged ourselves to seek out that which we did not know – so we went to the cinema, where we encountered violence, sex and some canned Cronenberg. Not necessarily in that order, of course.

David Cronenberg (you see what I did there?) has a liking for gore and copulation (see also Crash) and continues this fascination in History of Violence.

Porn and snuff movies, we love them so! Without them there would be no internet. No one would use it. Oh, don’t give me that “not my type of thing” rubbish – what about You’ve Been Framed, Cops, and TV’s Most Dangerous Police Chases? Anticipation is titillation.

For example, I recall a time when Reverend Dawson, my Religious Education teacher at boarding school, told me “Rose-Day, it’s a shame I actually have to punish you with this quivering cane. I dislike this as much as you do. Mainly because I…I….oh bother, I seemed to have soiled myself. Put your trousers back on son”. You get the picture.

And so Cronenberg and his masterful lovies (such as 3-days-ride-to-Mordor, Viggo Mortensen) work us up into an expectant frenzy until finally delivering the money shot which unfortunately, excuse the pun, comes too early. Whilst we lie back, spark up a ciggie and radiate at the successful climax we foresaw, Mr Cronie gets busy with another round of foreplay! What for mate? We’re done, we got what we needed, even if it was a bit prompt.

Much like Isambard Kingdom Brunel, David Cronenberg uses tension to build a platform. A platform on which we, the automobiles of the human race, can travel along comfortably at whichever speed we desire. The only difference is that Brunel’s platform only costs 27p a go.

I have deliberately not mentioned any plotlines as I believe the title tells you enough. I could tell you how the film is indicative of violence in the world today and how the representation of violence is a metaphor for blah blah blah, but you just want to know if he kicks anyone ass, right?

If you like your dinners overcooked, then you’ll probably like this movie. Otherwise, 7 out of 10.