You know you’re going mad when you turn to running.
My Saturday morning run was spent dodging the smattering of little doggie presents that litter Stockwell’s footpaths. At least, I hope it’s dog poo – I hate to think of the alternatives…
I lie when I say ‘run’ – it’s more like a very fast walk. There’s no real levitation or pavement punding involved. I never have been able to understand women who jog and do so comfortably. I mean ladies, doesn’t it hurt?! It sure jolts the living hell out of me! Those boots may be made for walking but these boobs sure weren’t! Gimme yoga, cycling (watch out motorists!) or a rowing machine any day. My assets stay semi stationary and my future children have more of a chance of feeding from functional puppies.
Why the sudden fitness obsession you may ask? Well dear reader, I can sum that up in one. It is five weeks until lift off. 35 rainy days until I wave goodbye to England for six weeks and head home to the sun and sand that I once called home. I haven’t seen my family for two and a half years and I don’t want to look like ‘Katie the friendly ghost’ amongst their bronzed Australian bodies. I also want them to see an ‘English Rose’ walk off that plane… not and English butterball. Hence the ‘running’ and the pain.
Whilst the rest of the UK gets ready to cover up their pale bodies and hide away the extra winter tyres, your Aussie cousins are getting it all out, flashing their suntanned torsos and honing their pecks as they bound across the sun bleached sand. Gawd help me…
Finding a gym in this city is proving to be almost as painful as finding a flat – and just as expensive. I’m going to have to mortgage the house I don’t have – just in order to sweat away the hours on a treadmill. I’ll try anything… I’ve even started taking Phase 2 – another health food store ‘breakthrough’ that claims to block the body’s absorption of starch. I try not to eat carbs, dairy or meat anyway so it’ll probably go to work on my greens. Do I sound boring? No carbs? No sugar? No tea or coffee? No smoking? I kid you not – but I’ll be the first to have a drink with dinner and honestly, I have a bigger addiction – to the theatre! Last week’s must mentions are ‘As You Desire Me’ starring Kristin Scott Thomas and Bob Hoskins. A finer performance you will never see – they are an example of quality A-listers taking to the stage. Get off you sofa and get to the Playhouse Theatre to see it – Eastenders can wait!
Slightly less glamorous but equally as enthralling is ‘The Return’ – the story of a young Australian girl hassled by two ex convicts on a train. The Aussie euphemisms, dry humour and faultless acting will have you on the edge of your seat. The two lead actors are to die for… talk about bronzed bodies! No wonder I have them on the brain. It turns out that lead actor, Alistair Scott-Young is very familiar with my home town of Meningie in rural Australia. It turns out that I had a childhood crush on one of his mates. the less said about that the better. I also spoke at length to lead actress Natasha Beaumont – she is a refreshing breath of fresh air and testament that young girls from afar can make it big.
I’m heading to the ‘News Blog Convention’ this week. All in the name of work I tell you. My mind is full of visions of little men in round specs, hunched over their laptops with manic blogging intent. For those of you yet to join the phenomenon, a blog is a diary-style site, in which the author links to other web pages). Interested? Nope, moving right along then. I salvage some relief in the knowledge that there is a blogger out there called ‘Manolo the Shoeblogger’. Nevertheless, I think I’ll wear kitten heels and contact lenses. It’s better safe than sorry.
Oh, and in case anyone’s wondering – I went to the Halloween party dressed as an evil pussycat doll. My left breast still has “Meow” scrawled across it. Take my work for it – permanent markers don’t wash off.
The things you do for a perfect costume…