What happened? Where have you been? For two weeks now the people of London have been weary with exasperation because they haven’t been getting their ‘Free London’ action. And frankly, it’s starting to show (and smell).

Thinking it had lost Free London forever, perhaps to a long term dream of becoming the next X factor winner or worse – a resident of Australia, 020.com began scouring the streets of the capital in an attempt to lure it back.

And sure enough, after checking the bins at the back of almost every McDonalds and the dodgier spots of Hampstead Heath, 020.com found Free London unshaven, drunk and throwing massive shapes in the main concourse of Liverpool Street station on Wednesday night at roughly 7.24pm. Obviously, Free London had got bored of watching England display yet another below par performance that night and decided to start dancing instead. Strangely, several thousand other people joined in the riotous fun as well. It seems Free London truly is a beacon that Londoners love to follow:

So now that Free London has been found, cleaned and put to work – and now that the confusing season finale of Lost has finally been and gone – there really is no real excuse for you lot to be stuck at home.

And what an ominous date to be back in business – Friday 13th. But this is no place for Jason or Michael or that scary Freddie fella (although doesn’t he play for Arsenal now?). This is just for you lucky creeps.

Fittingly, this week’s offerings all involve some of Free London’s favourite activities – boozing, ASBOs, tea-drinking, graffiti, giant slides, flying steam rollers and transvestites. You simply cant make this shit up!

Want to be part of a World Record event? Enjoy walking? Like drinking? Well, the World Record Pub Crawl attempt is taking place this Saturday and although the maximum 2000 places has already been filled, you can dodge the ?5 entrance fee and just follow the crowds instead. Genius, Free London! Good boy. Here, have a biscuit.

Below you’ll find the secret destinations of all 18 pubs taking part (no less than FOUR Walkabouts included, unsurprising). Shack up at any of these locations and witness the wonder of 150 pissed-up revellers on a 45-minute constant rotation:

The Walkabout, Temple
The Evangelist, Blackfriars
The Blind Beggar, Whitechapel
The Hayfield, Stepney Green
The Railway Tavern, Liverpool St
The Walkabout, Angel
The Rocket, Euston Rd
Duck & Dive, University of London
The Court, Tottenham Court Rd
The Old Explorer, Oxford Circus
The Midas Touch, Golden Square
The Walkabout, Shaftesbury Ave
The Comedy, Piccadilly Circus
Theodore Bullfrog, The Strand
The Walkabout, Covent Garden
The Rose and Springbok, Covent Garden
Bunker, Covent Garden
Belushi’s, Covent Garden.

In clubandmusicland this week, first up on Saturday (14th), and aptly for Free London, is ASBO at The Social, W1. Not to be tied down by the constraints of musical genres, the Riotous Rockers, Polaroid DJs and Wall of Sound’s Alvin C will be crushing up good messures of upfront electronica, acid house, old techno, nu electro, space funk and indie rave before snorting their lives away. Allegedly.

PG Tips were once best known for their exploitation of animals for the pleasure of humans in the 80s advertising campaign that Sacha Baron-Cohen character, Borat, would’ve greatly enjoyed (“I like eeet!”). Now, though, they’ve decided to get back in touch with those kids of the past (30somethings) by sponsoring a Tea Party at Camden’s Proud Gallery on Sunday. Soul Tips At Proud wll deliver up fresh soul talent from both sides of the Atlantic, as well as a nice cuppa tea. The Tea Party starts at 3pm (with DJs such as The Amplified Collective and David McAlmount) and flows until 1am. Get there before 8.30pm to get in for free.

In the art world this week, a tale of the two Tates will probably be your best option, especially if you’re a metal fan. Firstly, there’s the amazing Flying Steamroller by Chris Burden outside the Tate Britain. Until Sunday (15th) the 12-tonne sculpture will spin and lift off the ground every half an hour. Then at the Turbine Hall in the Tate Modern there’s Carsten H?ller’s new Slides installation. Whilst you’re waiting for the long line of ‘people who should know better’ queuing up for the ride/experience/art, pop up to the galleries to check out the latest Tate Tracks offering: this month is Roll Deep Vs Anish Kapoor (and if you want to listen to last month’s installation by The World’s Greatest Band of All Time©, The Chemical Brothers, with their interpretation of Jacob Epstein’s “The Rock Drill”, then click on the link below).

On Wednesday, if you’re feeling a bit transexual, like most people do on a Wednesday, why not earn yourself some cash at this free event. Jonny Woo will be hosting his Tranny Talent Show at Bistrotheque in Bethnal Green where the audience chuck ‘Tranny dollars’ at their favourite contestant and the winner minces away with ?75 of real money. Hmmm, Free London is a bit skint at the moment and 75 quid is nothing to baulk at.

And if you want an even BIGGER laugh, then you simply cant go wrong at The Comedy Store, especially if they’re giving the laughs away for free!!

Open Mike Productions and The Comedy Store join forces to record the 7th series of Comedy Store. In the past, acts such as Peter ’Phoenix Nights’ Kay and Phil ‘Never Mind The Buzzcocks’ Jupitus have entertained. To get tickets you need to apply by sending a SSAE to:

PO BOX 21042
N1 1WZ

Recordings take place at 7pm on Monday 16th & 23rd October, and Monday 6th November. Tickets are limited to 4 per application.

Worra laff, eh?