Don’t you just LOVE this time of year? The sun actually looks like it might to make a tan-worthy appearance summer-lovers shake out their picnic rugs and prepare for an afternoon of canoodling to the sound of nature. London is peaceful… until:

What exactly, is the big deal about football?

Before you hunt me down, rip out my football bashing tongue and beat me to a pulp with your red and white flags; spare a thought for the people who just don’t care. Sure we’re few and far between – but my gawd, if I have to hear another drunken lunatic belting out their team’s song I’ll remove my own eardrums.

I don’t mind the songs so much, and I can appreciate the joy of victory on the field (I am an Aussie after all) but please, sing in tune. I also don’t mind the game itself, although Aussie Rules wipes its hands on the soccer players’ baggy shorts any day. Nope, it’s the post-match supporters I don’t like. The screaming, obnoxious, leering mobs that pour forth from pubs across the nation as soon as the final second ticks over.

I’m sure they’re a lovely bunch on match free days but, like a wolf to the full moon, many transform into snarling louts when the flag comes into view. I passed a driving instructor and his student the other day. The poor lass couldn’t see past the England paraphernalia plastered all over the car. I’d fail too if I had whopping great England flag flapping in my ear hole.

Not only do our ears fill with the sounds of slurred songs, our mouths are also full of English fare. If I see another football emblazoned cup cake I’ll hurl. No doubt they’re being used as ammo rather than filling tums. Cornish pasties are also popular at this time of year – even the taste buds are getting patriotic.

Family barbeques in the park, mass gatherings around the television and the feeling of euphoria when the ball hits its mark; yes, some things just can’t be beaten. It’s a shame that some take the ‘beating’ a step too far and turn to violence. Passports have been banned from troublesome thugs this year… unfortunately, they’ve got to go somewhere. I’ll remember to pack my boxing gloves and pepper spray when I hit the park.

There is however, an alternative. Every Wednesday, Thursday and Friday throughout June free cult movies will be screened at The Scoop. It may not be the leafy green surroundings of Regent’s Park but there’s a certain charm about an informal open-air amphitheatre on the south bank of the Thames. The London Bridge and Tower Bridge are a backdrop to remember. And did I mention… it’s free? Free of cost and free of ranting England supporters – or so we’d assume.

The movies are classics. Think Brief Encounter, Chinatown, Moulin Rouge, Some Like it Hot, The Wicker Man, Cabaret, Dr StrangeLove and Alien. Football eat your heart out baby.

All stereotypes aside, I do have a soft spot for passionate but harmless football fans (my Dad turns into a raving lunatic when his team hits the field – how can I not?). Sure, sport may bring out the monster in some, but it also unites the top jock and the kid who always used to get picked last at school. The play, ‘Breakfast With Johnny Wilkinson’ brings sport to the stage… and even won over my aversion to pub screenings. Hilarious, satirical and full of beer swilling actors, it convinced me to make an appearance at the local for Australia’s first match.

So, football fans I implore you – wipe the post match dribble from your face and pull those pants up high. I don’t care how cheated you were by the referee – neither myself, nor Rooney want to see your pale moony.