Bang, and they’re off…literally in some cases.
Week one of Big Brother 2006 has seen one of the busiest opening weeks in the show’s history with the show itself seeming to take something of a back seat to the characters it has created. A fast forward exercise in reality television bonding which has defined, sifted and separated the weak from the strong and already seen its first case of ‘wannabe burnout’.
Shahbaz came, saw, and annoyed with his amphetamine fuelled camp ravings. Allegedly a victim of many of life’s misfortunes (stories of abuse and homelessness garnished his exit interview) his downfall was the focal point of the group and ironically it was the group’s hatred of his character that cemented the group as a whole.
Richard meanwhile set himself as this year’s father figure with a nice line in passive aggressive bullying. Helping to orchestrate the downfall of Shahbaz while coming out of the whole mess smelling of roses. He was ably assisted by none other than Sezar who took time out from his busy schedule of trying to get laid (do I hear playyyyyer!) to push the buttons of his newfound arch nemesis. Those two could be interesting an interesting combo in the weeks to come, Richard it would seem has the nouce to manipulate situations and if he’s not careful the slightly more vocal (and unwisely overconfident) Sezar could become the fall guy for his actions later in the series.
Elsewhere firm favourite Pete rose to the surface of the pond, borne aloft on a wave of squeaks, whistles and profanities and what looks like the nearest thing we are going to get to a genuine character. He appears to have latched on to Lisa a woman with a voice dredged from boiling hot gravel and a capacity for profanity not seem since John Lydon last graced our screens. Her future must surely lie in some charity swear box related endeavour, her linguistic…ahem…dexterity could buoy up charitable concerns for the next decade.
Of course one of the reasons why everybody watches this show is the possibility to see someone get laid. Remember we’re British and we’re kind of funny about stuff like that. If you judge this year’s candidates by appearances and actions then Imogen and Grace look set to put out quicker than last nights rubbish after a bin man’s strike. However don’t be deceived, it doesn’t take Uri Geller to spot the potential rivalry here and I suspect the only action we’ll be seeing at this stage will be live streaming prick teasing.
In the sex stakes Nikki found herself left out in the cold but then again that was hardly surprising considering the fact that she has some of the strangest anger management issues we’ve seen on the show for quite some time. Cut from the same cloth as “Spoilt Bastard” from Viz, this is a girl who could go from zero to fucking barmy in approximately four seconds flat. Her pet peeves it would appear are “not being in possession of make up remover” and “an inability to drink water from taps”. Trust me, you wouldn’t like her when she’s angry. All this and armed with a face that reminds me of screwed up paper.
George and Mikey showed early signs of bonding (The Prince and the pauper, anyone?). Their long interesting chats in the garden were often deep, introspective and insightful. After all I’d never heard a woman being referred to as a “top class bitch”. Yes, slang never sounded so natural than when it came from a brain that is fuelled by heavily diluted blue blood. One hopes his stay in the house is “wikkid, yah?”
Lea did manage to surprise me by being more than a walking advert for ropey cosmetic surgery. Despite looking like her cut and paste jobs were done round the back of the British Legion she managed to clinch the all important “house mother” role and showed a surprising amount of empathy when Shahbaz was making himself into public enemy number one. Then she got a warning for threatening behaviour…
Big Brother did play one of his (or her) more subtle opening gambits this year with the concept of the “Big Brotherhood”. Those admitted to this intimate circle got to wear ridiculous hats while regaining ownership of their suitcases. Over the week, they got to choose whom they admitted to their “not so secret” society. Those in the “hood” evaded eviction leaving one of the final three ripe for eviction at the weekend.
There was something vaguely Darwinist about the whole affair and those that are left were clearly made from weaker stock (at this stage of the game you understand, experienced watcher’s will know how things can change). In game terms those that were up had clearly not stood their ground.
Bonneh…sorry Bonnie hit the nomination rails by virtue of her decidedly monosyllabic input into the week’s events. Despite the odd snap at Shahbaz it was all too little too late, although I suspect if she survives this round of evictions it might be interesting to see how this potential poster child for generation ASBO fares. Dawn meanwhile squandered her potential for the maternal role due to the fact that she demonstrated an (alleged) aversion to soap and water, nobody seemed keen to get maternal cuddles off a woman who could couldn’t touch fabric without it needing a boil wash afterwards. Three words, take…a…shower. Three months is a long time.
Glyn “the lifeguard” meanwhile spent the week semi naked celebrating his toothpick like masculinity, yes the boy from nowhere did precisely fuck all. Oh…I tell a lie, he did an astonishing impression of a rabbit about to go under the wheels of a Fiat Punto on a dark and lonely stretch of country road. Ladies and Gentlemen will someone show the poor lamb the exit.
So this folks is week one, we’ve seen super fast bonding. Some truly appalling behaviour punctuated with the removal of the only gay who tried too hard in the village. Roles have been quickly defined and the group are hanging so tightly with each other that the inevitable conflict to come has the potential for an explosion of gargantuan proportions.
The fuse is lit…
